MEMoIRS oF a DiStAnT lOvE

********************************* Just got off the phone with Jordan. Never knew how often he made me
laugh. How easy I can be myself with and talk to. How badly I want him.
How much I missed him. How much I love him. Piglit, baby, I will forever
be your Tig.

forget her nots. photos*

found some more pics of my baby Yazzy in my mommy's phone... thought id post these... wouldnt want to forget.

Do I ReSpOND?

.

So Donte txts me...
U dnt have 2 respond. Jay i love u so much dude. It seem that no matta
how busy i try and keep myself i still cnt get u outta my head. I miss u
more than u knw
...
and i struggled in not responding. something deep down within me wanted to call him up and verbally smack him with every ounce of anger i had in me. HE BROKE MY HEART. i guess this was his way of coping with the situation. they always say you will miss (him/her/it) when (s/he/its) gone. _lolz_
i didnt respond. i guess that was my way of coping.
moving on.

GaY iS tHe NeW sTuPiD

Extra extra. Read all about it. When homosexuals is no longer the new
black; but rather the new stupid!
So I was thinking back on when I was happily taken.
I had moved in with this man. He was taking care of me, this man. I
trusted him with my all, this man. I saw my future within his eyes.
Unfortunately things happen for a reason. Main reason being self growth.
But I have experienced a lot with this guy. And then my mind pin points
one specific moment.
Giant Eagle gas station. My mommy had a huge shopping spree at giant
eagle and in turn she earned a huge bonus on her giant eagle card, which
is good for redeeming gas at the G.E gas station. Its was around 6 in
the pm and I had just picked up my ,then, husband. Hubby and I were on
our way to tuxedo junction. He paid my tuxedo rental for prom =) anywho,
my mom calls and she says that she is getting free gas. Her G.E card
gave her 2 something off per gallon of gas and the gas there was only
2.o9. So she wanted me to rush on my way to meet her at the gas station
so that she could fill up both of our tanks. No me being the busy body
that I am, I almost always ride on e. So I couldn't say no. Now the fact
that my mom drained 61 dollars worth of free gas into our tanks isn't
the subject matter of the story. That was just a set up for the
situation... what left me in complete confusion and frustration was that
my boyfriend was in the car while all of this was taking place. My mom
has never met, let alone seen, any1 I have ever dated. So I decided to
take a chance, a risk of asking her to go say hi to donte... NO she
responded with awkward, uneasy and nervous tension. And I couldn't do
anything but continue to pump gas into my mommy red car. I had nothing
to say until it came to the moment of departure. We exchanged our
goodbyes and went our separate ways... Donte noted that my mommy and I
look a lot like each other... and a nod is the only way I could respond,
in fear that I would have broken down at the wheel. I couldn't figure it
out. If she was so I don't give a fuck about my sexuality, then why
couldn't she say a simple hi to donte... is it because that she blinds
herself to my relationship reality? Does she support but would rather go
MIA in that part in my life? What could it possibly be? I feel so
stupid!

..



..

TORI.

NEW ADDITION TO THE FAMILY... TORI IS HER NAME...
RIP YAZZY. ALWAYS MISS OUR BABY.=)

YAZZY.

R.I.P Yazzy.

a nigga is hungry!

Jus 2 Say Hello

Look to the sky...

A thousand kisses from you, is never enough! I just don't wanna stop,
all my love!! NEVER TOO MUCH, NEVER TOO MUCH, NEVER TOO MUCH ツ
Sweet peas. Good morning to you all, and a special good morning to those
readers in Africa! Hs and Ks. Today, as I sit in the car awaiting for school doors
to open, I see up above me fluffy clouds. The sky is a brilliant baby
blue and I ask myself, when is the last time I have taken the time out
of my day to notice beauty such as this one. The sight nearly has me
gasping for air now. A good gasping. Not the gasp fish revert to when
they've been maliciously parted from their fish bowl because baby bozo
or so wanted to play spin top around little fishy. But rather a gasp of
the finest air Heaven could ever offer. Yes, sweet peas, I feel
wonderful this morning. I have closure to thank. A hell of a lot of
loose ends that's been getting in the way has finally been tied up.
Boyfriend, independence, fun... Those are a few things I no longer
have... Sympathy and "awl"s at the matter? No, I don't need them, I've
gotten better things. How about Love for self, Relationships with family
and friends, and giving nothing but my all in all I do because success
is bigger than bliss. I just no that when I get out of this car, I will
slowly pace myself to class. I will take this whole walkin to class,
under this gorgeous sky, as an experience. Nothing less. And the next
breath. And the next action. And the next direction in life, the same.
Its the simple tidbits that count. Every tidbit having something to
whisper, to prove, to teach. Sweet peas. Pay attention. LISTEN.
~{Ahaziah Semaj}~

Thought: SumTymez

noah's arc_ gotta love it (wink)

we don't know what we've got until its gone... but sometimes, we don't
know what we've been missing until it arrives. ♥

Cultural

THE SUGARY SWEET EMBRACE FROM MY NIGERIAN QUEEN. IT SEEMS TO MY SENSES
IM PROTECTED BY THE SPIRIT OF MY MOTHERLAND. AND THOUGH IM KOREAN.
FORIEGN LIKE ALL ELSE. MY EYES TEND TO FAMILIARIZE MYSELF WITH YOU. THE
ONLY ONE WHO. THE ONE WHOM HAS FOUND A PLACE INSIDE HER WOMB FOR ME. YOU
CRITICIZE CONSTRUCTIVELY. ADVISE AND LOVE ME UN NECESSARILY. ITS NOT
NECESSARY BUT YOU SWALLOW WHAT I DISH OUT WITHOUT BECOMING OVERCOME BY
DISGUST IN MY PERSON. I THANK YOU WHOLE HEARTIDLY FOR STAYING WHEN
FRIENDS. FAMILY. AND MUCH LOVED BOYFRIENDS ABANDONED ME. YOUR BLUES
BOUND BABY BOY. JAY LOL.

hello every1, my name is james... and im an ADDICT

HE injects with fragmented steel into my viens a substance so vial that
inflames my brain with frequent impulses of desire yet too refined in
its sweetness i see this shit youve served me with is lethal when supply
deminishes as demand is booming so consuming my own loneliness is the
fittest way of survival its demonic man like totally evil shadows cast
away rays of light and infiltrates my gallaxy of purple roses without
thorns by day you speak its over now at night youll sleep with dreams no
time for resenting how could you have no heart or eyes to my pain
pressure diagnoses me insaine of love and hate felt toward the same
blood that oaths a binding oath of passion he reniged no more us no more
him no more loving hard for me you see ive been in rehabilitated and i
realized that he was the center of my gallaxy gravitational pull that
kept me grounded but now im free to float wherever this drift takes me
hello every1 my names is james and im an addict finding a way without
him

Thought: Fruit xoxo

If yours truly am made thy apple of such gorgeous eyes, i too render
peeled, thus rotten, abundantly vulnerable to passion, to thy core. You,
then, are thy life, weaving through flesh, hungrily exploring. Take a
taste of me.



SPIT POET SPIT*

"i dont think i ever could,"

clang
distress signals
demolish
course concepts
accelerate
spirit's stride
silence
smothering
gasp gasp
incapable ingesting
injurious idiom breather
reverse
commence
breather
linger REST!
pardon pronounce...?
"i dont think i ever could,"
end.

The Immortal Strong Emotion

My internal life within this dying body is eternal
It shall feast and drink wine with Greeks and Romans
Be entertained by chariot races and games
Soar through empires that are embroaded with golden Roman letters of
Latin
And it will sleep in the shadowy mirror of life here on earth
Trapped in the heart of nowhere
Blinded by illusions and dreams that prevents a realization of what
reality has made obvious
Death
Or is my physical being the subject swallowed in these illusions and
such
Leaving behind a sequence in my mind
Sleep in the fetus
To dreamed up experiences
To sleep in the earth
In that case there must be such instances when one doesn't wake
Namely the soul
Hopefully mine proclaims the right to awake or return to life with good
Jews to share God's kingdom with his creations. Ressurected along with
blessed Christians who's souls too linger and float amongst themselves
And stars



Behold their glory
Imagine them as angels
Proof of continued spiritual existence in heaven
How wonderful it would be for someone somewhere to wish upon me
Until then ill wish upon them
That I might be convinced otherwise of my ill fated soul
Born then rebirthed from a previous rebirth
Never ceasing
Never finding or achieving nirvana
Transformed into what the last Buddhist or Hindu moved on from
I see Muslims in many lines
Awaiting their reward or punishment
I see fire
Warfare
Demons
I see hell
This chaos boils within me physically
My soul is blinded of its walk of righteousness
Maybe when the clock stops and the galaxy stops its revolving my body
and soul shall separate
My imperfections that bonds me to rejection to salvation will stay
soiled with flesh
I hope to believe
Ill be able to light the midnite sky
Regardless to my soul status
My immortal strong emotion

All Mii Singlee Ladiess!!!

Part Of The Passion

wzup sweety peas!!! this post serves both as to show you something that i enjoy (voguing) and also to test a blogger feature that i have yet to learn how to use... these videos are posted as entertainment for you sweet peas... and testing for me... enjoy!!! x0x0x

Thought: stones, gas, electricity, CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

the lonesome life is a cruel and unusal one... wouldnt you say so yourself??? LONLINESS SHOULD BE FORBIDDEN.

got LoNeLyNeSs on the brain???

Good morning sweet peas. Its bright and sunny this morning but
unfortunately its still a bit nippy. Not what I would call spring
weather.
I just finished my usual from Mickey Ds, the two sausage muffins for two
dollars, three packets of strawberry jam, and a small cup of water.
Pretty soon it will be time for me to head to school. 8:05 is first
bell.
Yesterday, was an unbelievable day. Not for the best either but rather
the worst. Something deep and cutting has happened but you know what.
Today is a new day. God has waken me up this sunny bone chilling
morning. So ill move on. Until the past just so happens to smack me in
the face LMAO as it sometimes does, and enjoy doing so.


Ttyl sweet peas!!! x0x0

~{Ahaziah Semaj}~

B00 B3@R

Superman. Spiderman. Wonder Woman. Storm. Mr. Incredible. Mermaid Man.
Barnacle Boy... There are so many heros and sheros. So many villains and
evil forces. So many fantasies and tales of power and all relative. Its
all a comic. Its all a joke. It is all simply a mere interest of the
imagination. Entertainment. And what's more entertaining than green
mayhem of the Incredible Hulk? X's and O's scribbled in notes on
shredded paper. Heart bubbled initials carved deep into tree trunks or
sand sitting peacefully near shore. LOVE. Its never boring. Never
straight forward. Never simple. Never the same. This letter below is
from my boo bear. He has came into my life under awkward circumstances.
But that's ok. I care for him dearly. As he does me. And although he's
back and forth from new york and ohio, he is forever around me.
Surrounding me. Holding and hugging me. Gently kissing me in my car.
Joking around walmart on rainy days. In my mind he is here, regardless
to his location. Im missin you jeshy. My boo bear.

JESHUA'S LETTER
I hope you read this....
1/21/2009

Umm hey…
I wasn't sure if I was going to send this but I said what the hell.
Anyway you've seemed to distance yourself from me in the past two
weeks or so and I was curious to why? Is it something I did, or said? Is
there someone else? Is it because I was leaving? I know we only went on
one date but I think we started something very special and I don't want
to lose it. You're like the closest thing to perfect I ever had in a
guy. I mean you're smart, funny, and sexy as hell. Most importantly
you helped me become a better person. I have become comfortable with
whom I am, and I thank you for that. Deep inside I feel as if I can't
have you but that's only a small part of me and the majority knows
that I should be with you. I care about you so much there will never be
enough words to describe on how I feel about you. The moment that sticks
out most to me was when you laid on top of me and I listened to your
heartbeat baby wait I don't think I can call you that anymore. So
jimmy you will always have a special place in my heart. I'd kill just
for your friendship and I would die for your love. When I see you I melt
on the inside. I want for nothing more than to be with you. Maybe I'm
not good enough, I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but then again who is?
With all that being said can you just let me know what happened? I just
need a response as a form of closure so to speak.

Phan Fotoz Sextion #1

these are the lovely ahaziah/james fans, folks. hope to have more... i love my sweet peas!!!!!

(want to be a ahaziah/james fan? want to see a fan sign posted here on JayHDee5? email me a pic with your name and ill be sure to post. ~jayhdee5@aol.com~)

Kenston

Brian

...what was our first mistake? ill always love you.

i say

"i love you"

in hopes in hearing you say

"i love you too"

once more.

its clear to me that this stream, that used to be an ocean, is no longer... this love that we used to share has ran its coarse. i dont get the response that i want, and at times, needed. all i get in return is silence. and thats all thats needed to get me to realize that we will never be how we were.

its interesting how during our time apart we both have done some changing and growing and now its getting, as you said,

harder to relate.

but we always manage to make things work. or atleast thats what we say we'll do...

oh we'll always be cool

and

we will never loose touch.

but thats what we said towards the begining of the school year and everyday, week, month, quarter, semester... we didnt speak. almost near at all.
you and i, in my mind, have memories that will be shared between us forever. and i ofter find myself thinking back on those days and what i or we could have done to get back tight. something that would have prevented this, not physical, but mental distance between us.

iv taught you and you have taught me alot about LOVE, HEARTACHE, and LIFE. i cherish our moments. and i would have cherished the moment, that very hour, when we become 1. but i was too late. its too late and now i feel as if there is nothing more you could give me. you no longer have it and the love you refuse to give. i know it may sound a bit selfish for me to say that but in all actuality, it is. the the jealousy that has taken over is so ugly. disgusting.
>
and i don't mean to get deep on you,,, considering im so emotional and all but...

~xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo~

because i believe that you will read this i want you to know that i can be that friend that you could tell anything to, much like e. i want to be that friend seeing that its the closest i can get to you now. i still want to be someone in your life and you in mine. no matter what. and i dont want you to be so barriered with me. to hide and be up tight with me. anything or anyone you do is up to you and only for you cause you on your grown man status now. but you will always be my first. my main.

Role Reversal- 4 a Cunt Boy and Stud Girl

( =P created when my fascination for studs was in full force)


A master at work
Her waist pushing that rubber
A president of the king sized bed
Her will
Her way
Her all simply slides in
And at a moments notice im conquered by her laws
So strong are her strokes
Plunging into a pool of our sweat
Im wet
She's hard core like no other
Role reversal will never be the same

Thought: Love Is.

I love you.
Meaning?
Eros.
Misleading.
Love.
True Love.
GLITTERING GENERALITY.

Obsessed: A Free Write

Hey its me. What happened to you on Friday? You got on the 34 bus and I
thought we had a date that day! Remember? I was disappointed because I
wanted to spend quality time with you. Just you and I, and nobody else
around at the lake, playing on the rocks and docks. I mean, didn't you
see me running after the bus? Smoke and air pollutants smudged onto my
face. Didn't you hear me screaming your name so loud that it woke our
neighbors on the other side of the planet! Yes, that's loud, I know, but
that is the price of me trying to get ahold of your attention. As the
back of your head, fresh tapper and oil sheen, got smaller and smaller
with the expansion of distance between us, a tear tainted with
hopelessness trickled down my cheek. Well I stopped by your house this
morning, sometime around 4 I believe or maybe earlier. I thought you
would have kept the door unlocked for me to come up to your room. Watch
you sleep possibly. Why didn't you keep your door unlocked? It began to
rain but I waited on your front steps still. I wont let nothing get
between us. Not even the thunder that came so close to frying me.
Anywho, once the rain stopped it was around 6. I thought you'd be out
soon considering we had school. It was taking you longer than usual so I
went around the house to check on you, and strangely enough I discovered
a long rope dangling from your window. I may be a bit crazy, but I
figured that you went through your window. I wanted to walk to school
with you.