18.5.09
17.5.09
Was it all a dream?
The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
Mine seemed like the whole night.
& that's if it even was a dream!
All I know is my heart was hurting.
A piercing pain every time I moved.
I've never had a heart burn or a heart attack but I would say it was
similar in a way.
I felt as if I was getting no sleep from this.
If it wasn't a dream, I feel fine now & wonder what was the cuase of it
all =)
If it was a dream, what does it mean??
Mine seemed like the whole night.
& that's if it even was a dream!
All I know is my heart was hurting.
A piercing pain every time I moved.
I've never had a heart burn or a heart attack but I would say it was
similar in a way.
I felt as if I was getting no sleep from this.
If it wasn't a dream, I feel fine now & wonder what was the cuase of it
all =)
If it was a dream, what does it mean??
I am not what happened to me
another gorgeous morning. The sun is bright & yellow. A gentle breeze to
get things going. A bit chilly to bring a morning jogger to wear a
hoodie but the sounds of nature is pleasing to my ears. I must say that
these last 2 weeks & especially this weekend has been exhausting to me.
With the last days of highschool, which has ended friday (hurray for
me), & relationship complications due to family issues... How does a Big
Dreamer Teen begin to balance all of that. I don't want to be a hopeless
victim of the past, but how do you mend & fix a life that hasn't even
started yet? & as for those who thinks/believes they know the answer...
let it be know that the answer only applies to yourselves. I am a
different individual, much like the diverse individuals at your local
grocery store, or the school your enrolled at, or even familiar, the
family you share tears & laughs with. We all cope/deal with something in
our lives. & we all cope/deal with those happenings differently. Some
better than others. Me? I am not only a individual amongst society, I am
an individual amongst my past, created by my past, however I am not my
past. =) did you get that [L.0.L]^lotz uf luv* I don't regret or
apologize for nothing I have become, said or done (so far at least). &
neither should you Sweet Pea. Only exclusions would be
1. I should have done this better
2. I should have said something
3. Etc...
& that kind of thinking will ultimately lead you to be who you want to
be. You are who you want to become...
CLOSING STATEMENT: IF THOUGHTS COULD BEND SPOONS, MOVE OBJECT, ALTER
REALITY, CRYSTALIZE WATER... CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT ROUGHLY 70
PERCENT OF YOUR BODY IS MADE OF WATER... IMAGINE HOW YOUR THOUGHTS CAN
CHANGE YOU... CRYSTALIZE
YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
16.5.09
The grass isn't always greener
separated. I used to be sooo green with envious passion & jealous of
their relationship. I guess the grass isn't always greener on the other
side.
15.5.09
and,
and you doubted me... i actually feel good now that i think about it =]
and mommy says "i never doubted you it just didnt have to be so hard."
and it think...
long and hard...
and i couldnt think of nothing else except "i love you mom."
14.5.09
truth b told. 4 my south african prince mthobisi
can get the best of you. For me, uncertainty & fear consumes many
aspects of my life, both personal & impersonal. & although I can
conceive it, it doesn't make dealing &/or coping any easier. I struggle
with trust. Love. The future...
You, I know I can trust. Love. & hope for a joyous future with you. New
found passion. Happiness. Reason to be better. Excuse to my every laugh
& smile. The composer of the song my heart sings. The love that
nourishes me. The spark that ignights my light within. The dream catcher
who turns them to reality. The first thought when I wake. The last
before I dose off. The image I see all around me, even when your not
near. Someone worth trying for. You mean more than words could ever
express. A million pictures each worth a million words still could not
amount to way I feel about you. ♥
About Me
This is gonna be long! So bear with me! The name is James. Loved ones call me Jimmy and friends call me Jay, and well, the gays call me sophie, my enemies call me bitches and hoes. My birthday is June 28th and my Zodiac falls under the sign of the moody crab, Cancer. I am about 5’5” and weigh roughly 115. I am light skinned, golden brown like hot buttered cornbread, with dark brown hair and eyes like black eyed peas mixed with neck bones, sounds good yes I know, but wait till you get a taste (JK). When it comes to my features I have my Mom’s eyes and nose while I have my Dad’s mouth and ears. And for those peps who want to know, im part Korean (g-ma on mommy’s side), part Indian (g-pop on daddy’s side), and im black too (roots). I don’t really have any hobbies 'cause I’m involved in almost everything. You can say that i’m down for anything. One thing I can’t live without is soul food. Greens, macaroni and cheese, chitterlings (yucky) ,mashed potatoes, ribs, potato salad, baked beans, lemonade, apple pie, ect. I love it all. The best thing about my appetite is that I could eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound. Lucky me. I see myself as outgoing, wild at times, outspoken, fun, energetic, and goofy. On the flip side I can be laid back and lazy, easy going, shy, down to earth, and not so talkative. Others have said i’m crazy and annoying. I can see myself as crazy but never annoying. Clingy and possessive, maybe, but never annoying. What I like most about myself is my mid section, faded 6 packs, fit but not too muscular. My voice is low and raspy but it gets high and squeaky at times. I have 1 sister, 3 younger brothers, and 2 more brothers who are older than i. Live with my Mom and Sister. It is ever so hard to be the only male in the house. My 5 brothers live with my dad. I have 2 best friends, who are both girls, and their names are Nkechi and Natay. Others do apply its just too many to name! Don’t really have any guy friends. My shirts are usually an S. I will wear anything from A&M, H&M, Aero, ect. I wear a 30x30 in pants which is also baggy on me still kinda. I love J’s and I have to get 1 or 2 pair a year. I wear Boxer Briefs. I don’t like plain white briefs. Ankle socks. Long and regular socks bother me. Why, I don’t know, they just do. To me the world is like a day in a cold, wet, and unknown place. It is cruel and shows no mercy. It is corrupt with no peace in the air. It is a place where the theory of survival of the fittest is practiced. Barely and rarely are there any joyous days. Most days offer enough pain and hurt that won’t drive you to suicide, in most cases, but enough that you can take and stay alive. Best described as a beautiful struggle. But regardless to this harsh world I’m thankful for my Dad. He is the only comfort I have. Someday I hope to fulfill my fantasies and make my dreams come true. If I had a million dollars I don’t know what id do. Id probably waist it on candy and junk. Maybe buy me a car and some clothes. If I could have a super power I would want to fly. It would give me something to do when I’m bored and a way to flee from my troubles. My perfect date doesn’t have to be expensive. But it would be nice once in a while, for real. I also enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Going for a walk on a beach or going to the movies would be perfect to me. I’m easily satisfied and don’t ask for much. Just being with my baby is romantic enough for me. That also goes for my lover. He or she has to be sexy, treat me right, and able to give me what I need. Whether its love, security, sex, or just showing me a good time. The best movies are the movies that involve Aaliyah. Like Romeo Must Die or Queen of the Damned. She was the best and still is, Beyonce is ok. Tyler Perry is the best actor. He inspires me to the max, to the fullest. Which brings me to a close. See, reading all that I had to say wasn’t so bad. So suck it up sucka!```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Duh!* Aaliyah is the best there ever was. And just like her song she is one in a million. Most will say that Beyonce is a better singer, better dancer, better looking, and comments like that. But just like everyone has a shit hole, everyone has there own opinions. And I will respect that. So respect mine too. I admit, beyonce can move that ass and shake them hips and she has a beautiful voice but shakira has all that too, but beyonce is good at that, meaning that is some of her talents. Aaliyah breaths life in her music. Its in her voice that sooths the heart but she offers a tight beat to cheer the soul. And if you put it together you got music all ages can dance too. Now don’t get it twisted. Aaliyah is sexy too. I think people give beyonce too much props. And aaliyah can dance too. And she puts her all into it. Not just her ass. What I like about aaliyah is that she could be cool when she wanted to, sexy when she wanted to, but maintaining her default mood which was very calm. Again, which is why she is appropriate for all ages. Not to mention she doesn’t have a set sound, her music varies, and im glad that I got to hear her grow and mature through her masterpieces. So that is why aaliyah is the best there ever was… to me.
Dating experience!* This may or may not come to a shock to some peps who will read this but I am someone who is not comfortable in my own skin. Not saying that I dislike myself because I love every cell of my body. To me enough is never enough and I feel as though I can be so much better, mentally and physically. Like I long for something or someone to complete me but I can never find just that. Everytime I try and talk to someone, I always end up hurt. The reason my relationships, or shall I say lustful flings, don’t last long is because the people I date are mostly people who is filled and surrounded by negativity, which is my fault for falling for every word they say, and mainly because I get defensive at times. That’s just me. Along with that, I have been told that im moody. Yeah, ill greet you with an overwhelming welcome, but on a wrong day ill have you wishing that you had thought twice about coming. The good ole cancerian ways, gotta love it.
I'd like to meet someone who is cool. Also, someone sweet and easy to talk to, a person who wouldn’t mind listening and can keep any secrets I tell them, someone I can laugh with and have a great time with. I want to meet anyone from anywhere who I can be myself with and they’d like me for little ole me. I have too many ex-friends who turned out to be fake. I don’t need them. They only bring drama, raise hell, and start shit. I hate clowns. And that’s spoken with passion.
My mom is my hero. He is my rock of strength and security, tree of shade and protection, sun which is the source of my energy, wind that whispers knowledge and wisdom, the ocean that keeps me wondering what my future holds for me and what lies ahead, the fire that dwells in my eyes that sparks my imagination giving me something to live for, and so much more.
I’m not a book worm but I do read in spurts whether it’s a school assignment or for my pleasure. As a Cancerian I am imaginative, and for me to read, the book has to keep me interested, guessing, on edge, and hungry for more, if not then I’m not going to waist my time reading. Also, I'm not a person with a big box or a whole shelf of books because I only have a few.
Comedy, romance, horror, I love them all. I will watch just about anything from food to fashion to cartoons to reality.
I like any genre of music that has a tight beat or meaningful lyrics. I mainly listen to R&B but I sometimes find myself drawn to Kirk Franklin (Black Gospel), 2 Pac (Rap), and My Chemical Romance (I have no idea). Where I’m at I tune in to 107.9, 96.5, or 93.1. Aaliyah, aaliyah, aaliyah, aaliyah, aaliyah.
I like playing games. The games I play are mostly fighting and adventure games like any of the Tekken and Final Fantasy collections. I currently have a PS2, Xbox, and a Nintendo DS. I like dancing. Most people I know can tell you that I can dance. I like to get live at parties. Though sometimes, usually on a slow song, I get carried away and I get sexual. Ill have the person I’m dancing with on the floor in every position I fancy. Freak-a-leek… Yes… Man whore… Maybe… Some have said id make a great Chippendales dancer. I like singing although it isn’t the best. But I hit a few notes every now and then. I think all I need is some singing lessons cause I believe the talent is there for sure. I have saved the best for last… I breath poetry. Its in my blood. Love it to death. Im a fantastic writer. If your interested ask me to drop a line or two.
Duh!* Aaliyah is the best there ever was. And just like her song she is one in a million. Most will say that Beyonce is a better singer, better dancer, better looking, and comments like that. But just like everyone has a shit hole, everyone has there own opinions. And I will respect that. So respect mine too. I admit, beyonce can move that ass and shake them hips and she has a beautiful voice but shakira has all that too, but beyonce is good at that, meaning that is some of her talents. Aaliyah breaths life in her music. Its in her voice that sooths the heart but she offers a tight beat to cheer the soul. And if you put it together you got music all ages can dance too. Now don’t get it twisted. Aaliyah is sexy too. I think people give beyonce too much props. And aaliyah can dance too. And she puts her all into it. Not just her ass. What I like about aaliyah is that she could be cool when she wanted to, sexy when she wanted to, but maintaining her default mood which was very calm. Again, which is why she is appropriate for all ages. Not to mention she doesn’t have a set sound, her music varies, and im glad that I got to hear her grow and mature through her masterpieces. So that is why aaliyah is the best there ever was… to me.
Dating experience!* This may or may not come to a shock to some peps who will read this but I am someone who is not comfortable in my own skin. Not saying that I dislike myself because I love every cell of my body. To me enough is never enough and I feel as though I can be so much better, mentally and physically. Like I long for something or someone to complete me but I can never find just that. Everytime I try and talk to someone, I always end up hurt. The reason my relationships, or shall I say lustful flings, don’t last long is because the people I date are mostly people who is filled and surrounded by negativity, which is my fault for falling for every word they say, and mainly because I get defensive at times. That’s just me. Along with that, I have been told that im moody. Yeah, ill greet you with an overwhelming welcome, but on a wrong day ill have you wishing that you had thought twice about coming. The good ole cancerian ways, gotta love it.
I'd like to meet someone who is cool. Also, someone sweet and easy to talk to, a person who wouldn’t mind listening and can keep any secrets I tell them, someone I can laugh with and have a great time with. I want to meet anyone from anywhere who I can be myself with and they’d like me for little ole me. I have too many ex-friends who turned out to be fake. I don’t need them. They only bring drama, raise hell, and start shit. I hate clowns. And that’s spoken with passion.
My mom is my hero. He is my rock of strength and security, tree of shade and protection, sun which is the source of my energy, wind that whispers knowledge and wisdom, the ocean that keeps me wondering what my future holds for me and what lies ahead, the fire that dwells in my eyes that sparks my imagination giving me something to live for, and so much more.
I’m not a book worm but I do read in spurts whether it’s a school assignment or for my pleasure. As a Cancerian I am imaginative, and for me to read, the book has to keep me interested, guessing, on edge, and hungry for more, if not then I’m not going to waist my time reading. Also, I'm not a person with a big box or a whole shelf of books because I only have a few.
Comedy, romance, horror, I love them all. I will watch just about anything from food to fashion to cartoons to reality.
I like any genre of music that has a tight beat or meaningful lyrics. I mainly listen to R&B but I sometimes find myself drawn to Kirk Franklin (Black Gospel), 2 Pac (Rap), and My Chemical Romance (I have no idea). Where I’m at I tune in to 107.9, 96.5, or 93.1. Aaliyah, aaliyah, aaliyah, aaliyah, aaliyah.
I like playing games. The games I play are mostly fighting and adventure games like any of the Tekken and Final Fantasy collections. I currently have a PS2, Xbox, and a Nintendo DS. I like dancing. Most people I know can tell you that I can dance. I like to get live at parties. Though sometimes, usually on a slow song, I get carried away and I get sexual. Ill have the person I’m dancing with on the floor in every position I fancy. Freak-a-leek… Yes… Man whore… Maybe… Some have said id make a great Chippendales dancer. I like singing although it isn’t the best. But I hit a few notes every now and then. I think all I need is some singing lessons cause I believe the talent is there for sure. I have saved the best for last… I breath poetry. Its in my blood. Love it to death. Im a fantastic writer. If your interested ask me to drop a line or two.
Who?
Who will be the one dwelling in my dreams? Who will be the one I wake up next to? Who will be the one eating the breakfast I cooked? Who will be the one getting dressed to spend time with me? Who will be the one walking on the beach with me? Who will be the one watching the sunset with me? Who will be the one fulfilling my fantasys? Who will be the one coming back home with me? Who will be the one dimming the lights to eat dinner with me? Who will be the one talking with me? Who will be the one to undress me? Who will be the one to make love to me? Who will be the one to lick me all over? Who will be the one to take a shower with me? Who will be the one to make love to me once more? Who will be the one watching me sleep? Again, who will be the one dwelling in my dreams? Who will be the one for me?
13.5.09
Leavin Him.
I assume your neglect in responding to my question as a confirmation
that you are in fact better without me. In my own opinion I can see how
that could be but I don't agree with you letting me go the way you did.
I don't agree with you giving up. I don't agree with your decision of
perplexing me with your words of im not happy with you quote unquote.
And I also don't agree with me simply walking away. There's a lot of
things we could have said and done but failed to do so. So all is as it
is now. And that's how it should remain in regards to my perception.
There is no doubt in my mind and I don't question assurance that you
have found ways to sleep without me next to you. If there were any
alternatives to my love I tried to give you I bet you spared no time in
taking it. Making that vacant spot whole again with someone else's
flesh. These are my last words to you papa, and my last favor I ask of
you. Forget all of me. The risks and the safety taken. Joy and pain. Up
and downs. Every inch of me, all except memories. Memories are forever.
that you are in fact better without me. In my own opinion I can see how
that could be but I don't agree with you letting me go the way you did.
I don't agree with you giving up. I don't agree with your decision of
perplexing me with your words of im not happy with you quote unquote.
And I also don't agree with me simply walking away. There's a lot of
things we could have said and done but failed to do so. So all is as it
is now. And that's how it should remain in regards to my perception.
There is no doubt in my mind and I don't question assurance that you
have found ways to sleep without me next to you. If there were any
alternatives to my love I tried to give you I bet you spared no time in
taking it. Making that vacant spot whole again with someone else's
flesh. These are my last words to you papa, and my last favor I ask of
you. Forget all of me. The risks and the safety taken. Joy and pain. Up
and downs. Every inch of me, all except memories. Memories are forever.
The feeling is mutual. But I have to stand by my mssg. I have to stop
comming back to you. And you have to stop missing me. We both have to
stop everything. So tomorrow night im deleting you off of my myspace,
phonebook, and im only holdin on to our cherished memories. I encourage
you to do the same. I encourage you because I love you. And I want you
to be happy. Without me clouding your sunshine.
11.5.09
Expression
It slains sexiness envious
Its fierce fiery passion is underrated
Glassy glaring eyes sends quivers down your spine
A sign of sinful play lingers
On the tip of her lash
As she bashes
Bashes
Bashes those lashes
Lust...
Haiku Entry: political statement.
Sacrificial knights
destroys. Kills innocent pawns
of the queen. Check mate.
destroys. Kills innocent pawns
of the queen. Check mate.
Deciteful corruption
is weaved within this chessboard.
Government. Check mate.
Alarms ringing. Babies
scream. Terror filled eyes weeps good-
byes to loved ones. Death.
That Smell
That smell
That horrid awful smell
That loves to tell
What the guy in front of me just ate for lunch
Egg & cheese sandwich
Mom threw in some healthy spinach
And a canister of red kool aid to wash it all down
Hell
Fiery fumes of sinful eating
Has got me weeping
Pleading for a breath of fresh air
But im hopeless
Pinching my nose shut
Closing both carbon dioxide exits
Jaw dropped
I wonder has it gone away
(Sniff sniff)
NO!
Hot air rising grazing on nasal hair
I don't want to know
Its so not fair
Windows have mercy
That horrid awful smell
That loves to tell
What the guy in front of me just ate for lunch
Egg & cheese sandwich
Mom threw in some healthy spinach
And a canister of red kool aid to wash it all down
Hell
Fiery fumes of sinful eating
Has got me weeping
Pleading for a breath of fresh air
But im hopeless
Pinching my nose shut
Closing both carbon dioxide exits
Jaw dropped
I wonder has it gone away
(Sniff sniff)
NO!
Hot air rising grazing on nasal hair
I don't want to know
Its so not fair
Windows have mercy
I thought twice
I thought twice about what I should say
I came up with nothing
I urged my tensions to fade
I allowed myself to fade away
From the battle of keeping self composure
Inside my mind
I came up with nothing
I urged my tensions to fade
I allowed myself to fade away
From the battle of keeping self composure
Inside my mind
The Last
Today is the last Monday i will ever have to wake up for high school and
want to kill myself lol! LAST MONDAY OF HIGH SCHOOL EVVVVVER!!! ♥
want to kill myself lol! LAST MONDAY OF HIGH SCHOOL EVVVVVER!!! ♥
10.5.09
MOTHERS DAY
...& I wish you... a happy mothers day mommy. Despite actions/words, I love you so unconditionally. You don't just mean the world to me ~cus you are my world~
Utopia
I savor delusions of a sugary sweet
Maple syrup surface
Crusted over 3 letters
Passion & beauty lingers on all five limbs
I want nothing more to explore every mountain and valley
Abandoning life
A divorce with reality as both nations touch
I've basked in the sunrise
Now I patiently await for it to fall within my arms
My thighs
My heart open wide like wings of doves overhead
I see time flying within my reach
It searches for the moment of truth
Ill write sacred scrolls exposing kissing dips, hips, and lips
The pressure applied to force myself
Past the edge, back to, then again
Past the edge of this universe
Sweating myself thirsty from discovering perfection
After crossing T's and dotting the final I
Meditate
Breath
Its all over
Maple syrup surface
Crusted over 3 letters
Passion & beauty lingers on all five limbs
I want nothing more to explore every mountain and valley
Abandoning life
A divorce with reality as both nations touch
I've basked in the sunrise
Now I patiently await for it to fall within my arms
My thighs
My heart open wide like wings of doves overhead
I see time flying within my reach
It searches for the moment of truth
Ill write sacred scrolls exposing kissing dips, hips, and lips
The pressure applied to force myself
Past the edge, back to, then again
Past the edge of this universe
Sweating myself thirsty from discovering perfection
After crossing T's and dotting the final I
Meditate
Breath
Its all over
um..
I always seem to make close & loved ones cry. However, its funny how
they fail to realize or disregard my tears...
they fail to realize or disregard my tears...
9.5.09
Block
Abruptly flatten out the lumps of past daggered creations
Without aspiration
They plunge once again within loose grains of quartz
And attempt to reconstruct a moment of time
As chains of artistic block tugs at all four limbs
Toward all four arrows of his compass
7.5.09
New Beginins
He Said...
I really do care for u and i know with this who thats happening with me
doesnt make it easy, being with u felt so right,it felt so good,in ur
arms i felt@ home and i kinda got scared that i might loose that. I mean
i knew from the very begining i liked u from the very begining at the
back of that car,putting ur stuff in the trunk , was just lost for words
not that i was 2shy to talk to you...
I really do care for u and i know with this who thats happening with me
doesnt make it easy, being with u felt so right,it felt so good,in ur
arms i felt@ home and i kinda got scared that i might loose that. I mean
i knew from the very begining i liked u from the very begining at the
back of that car,putting ur stuff in the trunk , was just lost for words
not that i was 2shy to talk to you...
Fog.
still, blinding. Tree, cars, houses all seem so gloomy in the midst. And
the sun, his piercing rays of daylight can't seem to penitrate through.
This fog, that we are experiencing today, is smoldering everything
within its reach.
For me, its similar to love. That true, I want to marry you, grow old
and die with you, kind of true love. Its reach. Its blindness. Its
stillness but yet ever changing ways.
30.4.09
MEMoIRS oF a DiStAnT lOvE
********************************* Just got off the phone with Jordan. Never knew how often he made me
laugh. How easy I can be myself with and talk to. How badly I want him.
How much I missed him. How much I love him. Piglit, baby, I will forever
be your Tig.
29.4.09
forget her nots. photos*
found some more pics of my baby Yazzy in my mommy's phone... thought id post these... wouldnt want to forget.
Do I ReSpOND?
.
So Donte txts me...
U dnt have 2 respond. Jay i love u so much dude. It seem that no matta
how busy i try and keep myself i still cnt get u outta my head. I miss u
more than u knw
...
and i struggled in not responding. something deep down within me wanted to call him up and verbally smack him with every ounce of anger i had in me. HE BROKE MY HEART. i guess this was his way of coping with the situation. they always say you will miss (him/her/it) when (s/he/its) gone. _lolz_
i didnt respond. i guess that was my way of coping.
moving on.
So Donte txts me...
U dnt have 2 respond. Jay i love u so much dude. It seem that no matta
how busy i try and keep myself i still cnt get u outta my head. I miss u
more than u knw
...
and i struggled in not responding. something deep down within me wanted to call him up and verbally smack him with every ounce of anger i had in me. HE BROKE MY HEART. i guess this was his way of coping with the situation. they always say you will miss (him/her/it) when (s/he/its) gone. _lolz_
i didnt respond. i guess that was my way of coping.
moving on.
GaY iS tHe NeW sTuPiD
black; but rather the new stupid!
So I was thinking back on when I was happily taken.
I had moved in with this man. He was taking care of me, this man. I
trusted him with my all, this man. I saw my future within his eyes.
Unfortunately things happen for a reason. Main reason being self growth.
But I have experienced a lot with this guy. And then my mind pin points
one specific moment.
Giant Eagle gas station. My mommy had a huge shopping spree at giant
eagle and in turn she earned a huge bonus on her giant eagle card, which
is good for redeeming gas at the G.E gas station. Its was around 6 in
the pm and I had just picked up my ,then, husband. Hubby and I were on
our way to tuxedo junction. He paid my tuxedo rental for prom =) anywho,
my mom calls and she says that she is getting free gas. Her G.E card
gave her 2 something off per gallon of gas and the gas there was only
2.o9. So she wanted me to rush on my way to meet her at the gas station
so that she could fill up both of our tanks. No me being the busy body
that I am, I almost always ride on e. So I couldn't say no. Now the fact
that my mom drained 61 dollars worth of free gas into our tanks isn't
the subject matter of the story. That was just a set up for the
situation... what left me in complete confusion and frustration was that
my boyfriend was in the car while all of this was taking place. My mom
has never met, let alone seen, any1 I have ever dated. So I decided to
take a chance, a risk of asking her to go say hi to donte... NO she
responded with awkward, uneasy and nervous tension. And I couldn't do
anything but continue to pump gas into my mommy red car. I had nothing
to say until it came to the moment of departure. We exchanged our
goodbyes and went our separate ways... Donte noted that my mommy and I
look a lot like each other... and a nod is the only way I could respond,
in fear that I would have broken down at the wheel. I couldn't figure it
out. If she was so I don't give a fuck about my sexuality, then why
couldn't she say a simple hi to donte... is it because that she blinds
herself to my relationship reality? Does she support but would rather go
MIA in that part in my life? What could it possibly be? I feel so
stupid!
..
..
28.4.09
26.4.09
25.4.09
24.4.09
Look to the sky...
all my love!! NEVER TOO MUCH, NEVER TOO MUCH, NEVER TOO MUCH ツ
Sweet peas. Good morning to you all, and a special good morning to those
readers in Africa! Hs and Ks. Today, as I sit in the car awaiting for school doors
to open, I see up above me fluffy clouds. The sky is a brilliant baby
blue and I ask myself, when is the last time I have taken the time out
of my day to notice beauty such as this one. The sight nearly has me
gasping for air now. A good gasping. Not the gasp fish revert to when
they've been maliciously parted from their fish bowl because baby bozo
or so wanted to play spin top around little fishy. But rather a gasp of
the finest air Heaven could ever offer. Yes, sweet peas, I feel
wonderful this morning. I have closure to thank. A hell of a lot of
loose ends that's been getting in the way has finally been tied up.
Boyfriend, independence, fun... Those are a few things I no longer
have... Sympathy and "awl"s at the matter? No, I don't need them, I've
gotten better things. How about Love for self, Relationships with family
and friends, and giving nothing but my all in all I do because success
is bigger than bliss. I just no that when I get out of this car, I will
slowly pace myself to class. I will take this whole walkin to class,
under this gorgeous sky, as an experience. Nothing less. And the next
breath. And the next action. And the next direction in life, the same.
Its the simple tidbits that count. Every tidbit having something to
whisper, to prove, to teach. Sweet peas. Pay attention. LISTEN.
~{Ahaziah Semaj}~
23.4.09
Thought: SumTymez
noah's arc_ gotta love it (wink)
we don't know what we've got until its gone... but sometimes, we don't
know what we've been missing until it arrives. ♥
know what we've been missing until it arrives. ♥
Cultural
THE SUGARY SWEET EMBRACE FROM MY NIGERIAN QUEEN. IT SEEMS TO MY SENSES
IM PROTECTED BY THE SPIRIT OF MY MOTHERLAND. AND THOUGH IM KOREAN.
FORIEGN LIKE ALL ELSE. MY EYES TEND TO FAMILIARIZE MYSELF WITH YOU. THE
ONLY ONE WHO. THE ONE WHOM HAS FOUND A PLACE INSIDE HER WOMB FOR ME. YOU
CRITICIZE CONSTRUCTIVELY. ADVISE AND LOVE ME UN NECESSARILY. ITS NOT
NECESSARY BUT YOU SWALLOW WHAT I DISH OUT WITHOUT BECOMING OVERCOME BY
DISGUST IN MY PERSON. I THANK YOU WHOLE HEARTIDLY FOR STAYING WHEN
FRIENDS. FAMILY. AND MUCH LOVED BOYFRIENDS ABANDONED ME. YOUR BLUES
BOUND BABY BOY. JAY LOL.
IM PROTECTED BY THE SPIRIT OF MY MOTHERLAND. AND THOUGH IM KOREAN.
FORIEGN LIKE ALL ELSE. MY EYES TEND TO FAMILIARIZE MYSELF WITH YOU. THE
ONLY ONE WHO. THE ONE WHOM HAS FOUND A PLACE INSIDE HER WOMB FOR ME. YOU
CRITICIZE CONSTRUCTIVELY. ADVISE AND LOVE ME UN NECESSARILY. ITS NOT
NECESSARY BUT YOU SWALLOW WHAT I DISH OUT WITHOUT BECOMING OVERCOME BY
DISGUST IN MY PERSON. I THANK YOU WHOLE HEARTIDLY FOR STAYING WHEN
FRIENDS. FAMILY. AND MUCH LOVED BOYFRIENDS ABANDONED ME. YOUR BLUES
BOUND BABY BOY. JAY LOL.
hello every1, my name is james... and im an ADDICT
HE injects with fragmented steel into my viens a substance so vial that
inflames my brain with frequent impulses of desire yet too refined in
its sweetness i see this shit youve served me with is lethal when supply
deminishes as demand is booming so consuming my own loneliness is the
fittest way of survival its demonic man like totally evil shadows cast
away rays of light and infiltrates my gallaxy of purple roses without
thorns by day you speak its over now at night youll sleep with dreams no
time for resenting how could you have no heart or eyes to my pain
pressure diagnoses me insaine of love and hate felt toward the same
blood that oaths a binding oath of passion he reniged no more us no more
him no more loving hard for me you see ive been in rehabilitated and i
realized that he was the center of my gallaxy gravitational pull that
kept me grounded but now im free to float wherever this drift takes me
hello every1 my names is james and im an addict finding a way without
him
Thought: Fruit xoxo
If yours truly am made thy apple of such gorgeous eyes, i too render
peeled, thus rotten, abundantly vulnerable to passion, to thy core. You,
then, are thy life, weaving through flesh, hungrily exploring. Take a
taste of me.
SPIT POET SPIT*
peeled, thus rotten, abundantly vulnerable to passion, to thy core. You,
then, are thy life, weaving through flesh, hungrily exploring. Take a
taste of me.
SPIT POET SPIT*
"i dont think i ever could,"
clang
distress signals
demolish
course concepts
accelerate
spirit's stride
silence
smothering
gasp gasp
incapable ingesting
injurious idiom breather
reverse
commence
breather
linger REST!
pardon pronounce...?
"i dont think i ever could,"
end.
distress signals
demolish
course concepts
accelerate
spirit's stride
silence
smothering
gasp gasp
incapable ingesting
injurious idiom breather
reverse
commence
breather
linger REST!
pardon pronounce...?
"i dont think i ever could,"
end.
The Immortal Strong Emotion
My internal life within this dying body is eternal
It shall feast and drink wine with Greeks and Romans
Be entertained by chariot races and games
Soar through empires that are embroaded with golden Roman letters of
Latin
And it will sleep in the shadowy mirror of life here on earth
Trapped in the heart of nowhere
Blinded by illusions and dreams that prevents a realization of what
reality has made obvious
Death
Or is my physical being the subject swallowed in these illusions and
such
Leaving behind a sequence in my mind
Sleep in the fetus
To dreamed up experiences
To sleep in the earth
In that case there must be such instances when one doesn't wake
Namely the soul
Hopefully mine proclaims the right to awake or return to life with good
Jews to share God's kingdom with his creations. Ressurected along with
blessed Christians who's souls too linger and float amongst themselves
And stars
Behold their glory
Imagine them as angels
Proof of continued spiritual existence in heaven
How wonderful it would be for someone somewhere to wish upon me
Until then ill wish upon them
That I might be convinced otherwise of my ill fated soul
Born then rebirthed from a previous rebirth
Never ceasing
Never finding or achieving nirvana
Transformed into what the last Buddhist or Hindu moved on from
I see Muslims in many lines
Awaiting their reward or punishment
I see fire
Warfare
Demons
I see hell
This chaos boils within me physically
My soul is blinded of its walk of righteousness
Maybe when the clock stops and the galaxy stops its revolving my body
and soul shall separate
My imperfections that bonds me to rejection to salvation will stay
soiled with flesh
I hope to believe
Ill be able to light the midnite sky
Regardless to my soul status
My immortal strong emotion
It shall feast and drink wine with Greeks and Romans
Be entertained by chariot races and games
Soar through empires that are embroaded with golden Roman letters of
Latin
And it will sleep in the shadowy mirror of life here on earth
Trapped in the heart of nowhere
Blinded by illusions and dreams that prevents a realization of what
reality has made obvious
Death
Or is my physical being the subject swallowed in these illusions and
such
Leaving behind a sequence in my mind
Sleep in the fetus
To dreamed up experiences
To sleep in the earth
In that case there must be such instances when one doesn't wake
Namely the soul
Hopefully mine proclaims the right to awake or return to life with good
Jews to share God's kingdom with his creations. Ressurected along with
blessed Christians who's souls too linger and float amongst themselves
And stars
Behold their glory
Imagine them as angels
Proof of continued spiritual existence in heaven
How wonderful it would be for someone somewhere to wish upon me
Until then ill wish upon them
That I might be convinced otherwise of my ill fated soul
Born then rebirthed from a previous rebirth
Never ceasing
Never finding or achieving nirvana
Transformed into what the last Buddhist or Hindu moved on from
I see Muslims in many lines
Awaiting their reward or punishment
I see fire
Warfare
Demons
I see hell
This chaos boils within me physically
My soul is blinded of its walk of righteousness
Maybe when the clock stops and the galaxy stops its revolving my body
and soul shall separate
My imperfections that bonds me to rejection to salvation will stay
soiled with flesh
I hope to believe
Ill be able to light the midnite sky
Regardless to my soul status
My immortal strong emotion
Part Of The Passion
wzup sweety peas!!! this post serves both as to show you something that i enjoy (voguing) and also to test a blogger feature that i have yet to learn how to use... these videos are posted as entertainment for you sweet peas... and testing for me... enjoy!!! x0x0x
Thought: stones, gas, electricity, CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
the lonesome life is a cruel and unusal one... wouldnt you say so yourself??? LONLINESS SHOULD BE FORBIDDEN.
got LoNeLyNeSs on the brain???
unfortunately its still a bit nippy. Not what I would call spring
weather.
I just finished my usual from Mickey Ds, the two sausage muffins for two
dollars, three packets of strawberry jam, and a small cup of water.
Pretty soon it will be time for me to head to school. 8:05 is first
bell.
Yesterday, was an unbelievable day. Not for the best either but rather
the worst. Something deep and cutting has happened but you know what.
Today is a new day. God has waken me up this sunny bone chilling
morning. So ill move on. Until the past just so happens to smack me in
the face LMAO as it sometimes does, and enjoy doing so.
Ttyl sweet peas!!! x0x0
~{Ahaziah Semaj}~
22.4.09
B00 B3@R
Barnacle Boy... There are so many heros and sheros. So many villains and
evil forces. So many fantasies and tales of power and all relative. Its
all a comic. Its all a joke. It is all simply a mere interest of the
imagination. Entertainment. And what's more entertaining than green
mayhem of the Incredible Hulk? X's and O's scribbled in notes on
shredded paper. Heart bubbled initials carved deep into tree trunks or
sand sitting peacefully near shore. LOVE. Its never boring. Never
straight forward. Never simple. Never the same. This letter below is
from my boo bear. He has came into my life under awkward circumstances.
But that's ok. I care for him dearly. As he does me. And although he's
back and forth from new york and ohio, he is forever around me.
Surrounding me. Holding and hugging me. Gently kissing me in my car.
Joking around walmart on rainy days. In my mind he is here, regardless
to his location. Im missin you jeshy. My boo bear.
JESHUA'S LETTER
I hope you read this....
1/21/2009
Umm hey…
I wasn't sure if I was going to send this but I said what the hell.
Anyway you've seemed to distance yourself from me in the past two
weeks or so and I was curious to why? Is it something I did, or said? Is
there someone else? Is it because I was leaving? I know we only went on
one date but I think we started something very special and I don't want
to lose it. You're like the closest thing to perfect I ever had in a
guy. I mean you're smart, funny, and sexy as hell. Most importantly
you helped me become a better person. I have become comfortable with
whom I am, and I thank you for that. Deep inside I feel as if I can't
have you but that's only a small part of me and the majority knows
that I should be with you. I care about you so much there will never be
enough words to describe on how I feel about you. The moment that sticks
out most to me was when you laid on top of me and I listened to your
heartbeat baby wait I don't think I can call you that anymore. So
jimmy you will always have a special place in my heart. I'd kill just
for your friendship and I would die for your love. When I see you I melt
on the inside. I want for nothing more than to be with you. Maybe I'm
not good enough, I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but then again who is?
With all that being said can you just let me know what happened? I just
need a response as a form of closure so to speak.
Phan Fotoz Sextion #1
these are the lovely ahaziah/james fans, folks. hope to have more... i love my sweet peas!!!!!
(want to be a ahaziah/james fan? want to see a fan sign posted here on JayHDee5? email me a pic with your name and ill be sure to post. ~jayhdee5@aol.com~)
Kenston
Brian
20.4.09
...what was our first mistake? ill always love you.
i say
"i love you"
in hopes in hearing you say
"i love you too"
once more.
its clear to me that this stream, that used to be an ocean, is no longer... this love that we used to share has ran its coarse. i dont get the response that i want, and at times, needed. all i get in return is silence. and thats all thats needed to get me to realize that we will never be how we were.
its interesting how during our time apart we both have done some changing and growing and now its getting, as you said,
its clear to me that this stream, that used to be an ocean, is no longer... this love that we used to share has ran its coarse. i dont get the response that i want, and at times, needed. all i get in return is silence. and thats all thats needed to get me to realize that we will never be how we were.
its interesting how during our time apart we both have done some changing and growing and now its getting, as you said,
harder to relate.
but we always manage to make things work. or atleast thats what we say we'll do...
oh we'll always be cool
and
we will never loose touch.
but thats what we said towards the begining of the school year and everyday, week, month, quarter, semester... we didnt speak. almost near at all.
you and i, in my mind, have memories that will be shared between us forever. and i ofter find myself thinking back on those days and what i or we could have done to get back tight. something that would have prevented this, not physical, but mental distance between us.
iv taught you and you have taught me alot about LOVE, HEARTACHE, and LIFE. i cherish our moments. and i would have cherished the moment, that very hour, when we become 1. but i was too late. its too late and now i feel as if there is nothing more you could give me. you no longer have it and the love you refuse to give. i know it may sound a bit selfish for me to say that but in all actuality, it is. the the jealousy that has taken over is so ugly. disgusting.
>
and i don't mean to get deep on you,,, considering im so emotional and all but...
you and i, in my mind, have memories that will be shared between us forever. and i ofter find myself thinking back on those days and what i or we could have done to get back tight. something that would have prevented this, not physical, but mental distance between us.
iv taught you and you have taught me alot about LOVE, HEARTACHE, and LIFE. i cherish our moments. and i would have cherished the moment, that very hour, when we become 1. but i was too late. its too late and now i feel as if there is nothing more you could give me. you no longer have it and the love you refuse to give. i know it may sound a bit selfish for me to say that but in all actuality,
>
and i don't mean to get deep on you,,, considering im so emotional and all but...
~xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo~
because i believe that you will read this i want you to know that i can be that friend that you could tell anything to, much like e. i want to be that friend seeing that its the closest i can get to you now. i still want to be someone in your life and you in mine. no matter what. and i dont want you to be so barriered with me. to hide and be up tight with me. anything or anyone you do is up to you and only for you cause you on your grown man status now. but you will always be my first. my main.
Role Reversal- 4 a Cunt Boy and Stud Girl
( =P created when my fascination for studs was in full force)
A master at work
Her waist pushing that rubber
A president of the king sized bed
Her will
Her way
Her all simply slides in
And at a moments notice im conquered by her laws
So strong are her strokes
Plunging into a pool of our sweat
Im wet
She's hard core like no other
Role reversal will never be the same
A master at work
Her waist pushing that rubber
A president of the king sized bed
Her will
Her way
Her all simply slides in
And at a moments notice im conquered by her laws
So strong are her strokes
Plunging into a pool of our sweat
Im wet
She's hard core like no other
Role reversal will never be the same
19.4.09
Obsessed: A Free Write
Hey its me. What happened to you on Friday? You got on the 34 bus and I
thought we had a date that day! Remember? I was disappointed because I
wanted to spend quality time with you. Just you and I, and nobody else
around at the lake, playing on the rocks and docks. I mean, didn't you
see me running after the bus? Smoke and air pollutants smudged onto my
face. Didn't you hear me screaming your name so loud that it woke our
neighbors on the other side of the planet! Yes, that's loud, I know, but
that is the price of me trying to get ahold of your attention. As the
back of your head, fresh tapper and oil sheen, got smaller and smaller
with the expansion of distance between us, a tear tainted with
hopelessness trickled down my cheek. Well I stopped by your house this
morning, sometime around 4 I believe or maybe earlier. I thought you
would have kept the door unlocked for me to come up to your room. Watch
you sleep possibly. Why didn't you keep your door unlocked? It began to
rain but I waited on your front steps still. I wont let nothing get
between us. Not even the thunder that came so close to frying me.
Anywho, once the rain stopped it was around 6. I thought you'd be out
soon considering we had school. It was taking you longer than usual so I
went around the house to check on you, and strangely enough I discovered
a long rope dangling from your window. I may be a bit crazy, but I
figured that you went through your window. I wanted to walk to school
with you.
thought we had a date that day! Remember? I was disappointed because I
wanted to spend quality time with you. Just you and I, and nobody else
around at the lake, playing on the rocks and docks. I mean, didn't you
see me running after the bus? Smoke and air pollutants smudged onto my
face. Didn't you hear me screaming your name so loud that it woke our
neighbors on the other side of the planet! Yes, that's loud, I know, but
that is the price of me trying to get ahold of your attention. As the
back of your head, fresh tapper and oil sheen, got smaller and smaller
with the expansion of distance between us, a tear tainted with
hopelessness trickled down my cheek. Well I stopped by your house this
morning, sometime around 4 I believe or maybe earlier. I thought you
would have kept the door unlocked for me to come up to your room. Watch
you sleep possibly. Why didn't you keep your door unlocked? It began to
rain but I waited on your front steps still. I wont let nothing get
between us. Not even the thunder that came so close to frying me.
Anywho, once the rain stopped it was around 6. I thought you'd be out
soon considering we had school. It was taking you longer than usual so I
went around the house to check on you, and strangely enough I discovered
a long rope dangling from your window. I may be a bit crazy, but I
figured that you went through your window. I wanted to walk to school
with you.
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